From Roommates to Romantic Partners: How to Rekindle Connection and Intimacy

Written By Edie Stark

By: Edie Stark, LCSW

Let me paint a picture for you: 12 years ago, my husband, Chris, and I were deep in the honeymoon phase—date nights, inside jokes, and stolen kisses in grocery store aisles. Fast forward to today, and our lives look a little different. We’re juggling careers, a three-year-old (affectionately known as "Z"), and the never-ending cycle of laundry that somehow multiplies overnight. These days, our most intimate conversations revolve around snack preferences, potty training and school drop-offs.

If you and your partner have ever felt more like co-managers of a tiny, chaotic household than romantic partners, you are not alone. Life, kids, and general exhaustion can turn even the most passionate couples into glorified roommates. But the good news? You can reignite that connection—and no, it doesn’t require a luxurious vacation or a complete personality overhaul.

Here are four real-life, tangible ways to rekindle connection and intimacy —

— straight from a seasoned therapist (who’s been there) and a partner who refuses to let bedtime routines become the most exciting part of the evening.

1. Bring Back the Flirty Small Stuff

Remember when you used to text each other throughout the day just to say, thinking about you? Or how you’d play footsies under the dinner table? Those little things are what kept the spark alive, and they can again.

  • Send a playful or sweet text in the middle of the day (bonus points if it’s mildly or even very suggestive lol).

  • Give your partner a genuine compliment—something beyond thanks for unloading the dishwasher (though that is appreciated).

  • Touch each other affectionately without an agenda—hugs, hand squeezes, a quick back rub while passing by.

One of my favorite low-effort but high-impact moves? Whispering something unexpected in Chris’s ear when we’re out in public—something like you look so good in that sweater or just so you know, I still have a crush on you. It works every time.

2. Schedule Time for Each Other—And Protect It Like Your Kid’s Nap Time

We schedule everything: doctor’s appointments, work meetings, even reminders to buy milk. But time for connection? That often falls into the if we have time category (spoiler: we rarely do).

  • Put date nights on the calendar and treat them as non-negotiable. They don’t have to be fancy—sometimes, a long walk together or splitting a pint of ice cream after the kid(s) are asleep is enough.

  • Institute a nightly “no phone” rule for at least 30 minutes. Use that time to talk, cuddle, or just be together.

  • If finding a babysitter is a challenge, embrace at-home date nights—movie nights, board games, or even cooking something new together.

Chris and I recently tried an at-home wine tasting after Z went to bed. We each picked a random bottle and pretended we were sommeliers. Did we know what we were doing? Absolutely not. Did we laugh until we cried? Yes. That’s the magic. We have also done painting portraits of each other which- if you all are lucky, I will share that video on Instagram because OH MY GOD.

3. Revisit Old Memories (And Make New Ones)

Nothing reminds you why you fell in love quite like revisiting the moments that made you fall in love in the first place.

  • Look through old photos or watch your wedding video.

  • Reminisce about your funniest or sweetest memories together.

  • Go back to the places you used to love—your first date spot, a favorite coffee shop, or the park where you used to take long walks.

Chris and I recently found a playlist of songs from when we first started dating. Cue us dancing in the kitchen like two people with zero rhythm but lots of nostalgia. Sometimes, all it takes is a little reminder of where it all began to reignite where you are now.

4. Shift from “Winning” to “Understanding” in Arguments

If you and your partner have been bickering more than bonding, you’re not alone. Stress, exhaustion, and the mental load of life (especially with kids) can turn minor disagreements into full-blown debates about who left the wet laundry in the washer for the third time.

When fights happen (and they will), try shifting your goal from winning the argument to understanding your partner.

  • Pause before reacting—take a breath and ask yourself, what’s really going on here?

  • Instead of launching into defense mode, try saying, I hear you. Here’s what I’m feeling, too.

  • When things get heated, take a break. Agree to revisit the conversation when you're both calmer (because arguing when you’re exhausted or hungry rarely leads to productive outcomes).

One game-changer for Chris and me? Replacing you always and you never with I feel. Saying, I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up lands way better than you never help around here!—trust me on this one.

Conflict is normal. But when you approach it with curiosity instead of combativeness, it stops being about who’s right and becomes about how you can get back on the same team. Because at the end of the day, that’s what you are — a team.

Final Thoughts

Life changes, and so do relationships. But love isn’t just about passion—it’s about choosing to stay connected, even when life gets messy. The good news? Small, consistent efforts make a huge difference.

So, if you and your partner have found yourselves more in who’s picking up dinner mode than can’t-wait-to-see-you mode, try one of these tips. You might be surprised at how quickly the romance sneaks back in.

And if all else fails? A good kitchen dance party never hurt anyone.

Our Services:

san diego couple's therapists edie and nicole stand next to each other, laughing

Stark Therapy Group offers therapy for all types of eating disorders, including Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia. We offer a 3-tiered family based support for teens in eating disorder recovery. We treat anxiety, depression and general mental health conditions. We offer 3-tiered family based support for teens with general mental health issues. We also offer couples therapy. We would love to help you on your mental health journey. Reach out today for a free consultation!

Edie Stark
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