Breaking Down Bids for Connection: The Small Moments That Can Make or Break Your Relationship

Written By Edie Stark

By: Nicole Edmonds, AMFT | Couples Therapist

While we often think relationships hinge on grand gestures, it’s actually the small, everyday exchanges that hold the key to deeper intimacy and understanding. These seemingly ordinary moments are what relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, call ‘bids for connection.’ These bids for connection hold the key to deeper intimacy and understanding. 

Queer couple standing outside in San Diego and work on strengthening relationship after couples therapy

What is a Bid for Connection?

Bids for connection are easy to overlook but these seemingly insignificant moments can greatly improve your relationship. According to the Gottmans, bids for connection are attempts made by each partner in a relationship to connect and engage with one another, even if not especially regarding the mundane, day-to-day interactions. A bid for connection can be as obvious as your partner asking for a hug or as subtle as a glance when they see something funny. These small actions may appear mundane, but they’re actually invitations for closeness. They can look like your partner sharing about their day, expressing a concern, talking about their interests, offering physical touch, or something as small as a wink. The Gottmans found in their research that the happiest, most masterful couples frequently make and accept bids for connection. These moments may pass us by when we’re focused on other things, but learning to recognize them can reveal hidden opportunities for closeness.

Verbal and Non-Verbal Bids for Connection

Bids for connection can take many forms, both verbal and non-verbal. Here are a few examples of each to inspire connection in your relationship:

Couple holds hand while leaving therapist's office

5 Ways to Make a Verbal Bid for Connection

  1. Tell your partner a joke you heard recently

  2. Share a story from your childhood

  3. Follow up with your partner about their recent work situation

  4. Share with your partner about a new movie you want to see together

  5. Send a quick text during the day just to say you’re thinking of them

5 Ways to Make a Non-Verbal Bid for Connection:

  1. Putt a hand on their knee

  2. Bring your partner coffee in the morning

  3. Point out the colorful sunset sky to your partner

  4. Blow a kiss towards your partner

  5. Turn your body towards your partner to show attentiveness

Accepting a Bid for Connection from Your Partner

Making an effort to offer bids is important. Similarly, the way in which we respond to bids for connection is just as essential to the process. Listening, asking questions, showing interest, and making time, this is what the Gottmans call turning towards one another. On the contrary, ignoring the bid or rejecting it in an argumentative way is known as turning away or turning against. For instance, if your partner shares a story from their day, and you respond by checking your phone instead of listening, this subtle dismissal can gradually erode connection. The Gottmans found that the more couples turned towards each other the more humor and satisfaction there was within the relationship.

Imagine this: You share an idea or worry with your partner, and instead of listening, they quickly dismiss it. Even small rejections like this can make individuals feel less understood, leading to disconnection over time.

5 Ways to Turn Towards a Bid for Connection in Relationships

  1. Put down your phone and make eye contact when your partner engages with you

  2. Offer to set aside time in the near future to further discuss a topic with your partner

  3. Listen and summarize back what your partner said to you

  4. Ask follow up questions after your partner has shared something with you

  5. Squeeze your partner’s hand after they offer it to you to hold

Common Challenges in Recognizing and Responding to Bids for Connection in Relationships

Understanding and engaging with bids takes practice and awareness. It is not uncommon for people to overlook or reject bids. In our fast-paced, technology-filled world, it’s easy to overlook bids while juggling other distractions. Recognizing this can help partners give each other grace and work together toward more mindful responses. Some common challenges that can make it difficult to acknowledge and turn towards bids for connection are being distracted, stressed, or misinterpreting a partner’s attempt to connect. If it seems that you and your partner are struggling to acknowledge and turn towards bids for connection, that could be a sign to seek couples therapy. 

Exploring and Strengthening Bids for Connection in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a great place to work on strengthening your bids for connection in your relationship. (Please note: Bids for Connection is a specific strategy employed by Couples Therapists who have been trained by the Gottman Institute.) Therapy can help uncover patterns in responses to bids, allowing partners to recognize their responses and practice better communication. If offering bids feels difficult for you and/or your partner, your couples therapist can work on instilling trust and security in the relationship to ensure it feels safe enough to do so. Maybe you find yourself often overlooking bids for connection from your partner. In couples therapy, you can practice slowing down, being more in the present moment, and tuning into and turning towards those bids. Your couples therapist can also explore what else might be going on in your relationship that is getting in the way of offering and accepting bids for connection. 

Final Thoughts

Remember that bids for connection are a great way to strengthen and maintain your connection in your relationship.

Let me encourage you to try a ‘bids challenge’ by making one bid for connection each day this week, and jot down any changes you notice in how close you feel.

As you become more intentional, each bid can build trust, intimacy, and the joy of being truly seen by your partner. Engage with your partner in the small, big, light, and heavy moments and you will find that you feel closer, happier, and more aligned than you have before. 

Orange County Couples Therapists sit on couch and smile at the camera

Stark Therapy Group offers therapy for all types of eating disorders, including Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia. We offer a 3-tiered family based support for teens in eating disorder recovery. We treat anxiety, depression and general mental health conditions. We offer 3-tiered family based support for teens with general mental health issues. We also offer couples therapy. We would love to help you on your mental health journey. Reach out today for a free consultation!

Edie Stark
Next

5 Ways to Achieve Body Neutrality During the Halloween Season