By Edie Stark

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, Ugh, why am I like this?! after reacting to something in a way that feels frustrating or out of character, let me introduce you to Internal Family Systems (IFS). It’s a therapeutic approach that doesn’t just help you understand those reactions—it helps you work with them in a way that fosters deep healing and self-compassion.

As a seasoned therapist, I’ve not only used IFS with my clients, but I’ve also worked with my own parts (oh hey, Perfectionist Part, I see you). Learning to make friends with these internal voices instead of battling them has been a game-changer in my healing, and it can be for you, too.

IFS 101: The Basics of ‘Parts Work’

IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is based on the idea that we all have multiple “parts” within us, each serving a role. These parts aren’t random or broken—they have specific jobs, often formed to protect us from pain or harm. The goal of IFS isn’t to get rid of any part (even the ones we don’t like) but to understand and heal them so they can work in harmony.

Here’s a quick breakdown of how IFS conceptualizes our inner world:

• The Self – This is the core of who you are—the compassionate, calm, wise leader inside of you. When you’re in Self-energy, you feel grounded and clear.

• Managers – These parts try to keep you in control and prevent emotional pain (think: perfectionism, people-pleasing, overworking).

• Firefighters – These parts jump in when pain starts creeping in, often using intense or impulsive behaviors to distract or numb (e.g., Substance Use,  Eating Disorders, Dissociation).

• Exiles – These are the wounded parts carrying deep trauma, fear, or shame. Because their pain feels overwhelming, Managers and Firefighters work overtime to keep them hidden.

Sounds relatable, right? We all have these different voices and patterns inside of us.

The magic of IFS is that, instead of trying to fight or suppress these parts, we learn to listen to them with curiosity and compassion.

Making Friends with My Perfectionist Part

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a part that believed if I just do everything perfectly, I’ll be safe. As a kid, this didn’t actually mean getting straight A’s or keeping a tidy room, as the stereotype may think.  For me, it presented more as people pleasing, wanting to always be OK and never a burden to ANYONE, (really sustainable right??).  As an adult, my Perfectionist Part has shown up in my career, in parenting, and (ironically) even in my own healing work.

When I first started my own IFS therapy, my Perfectionist Part wasn’t thrilled. She would say things like:

• You’re not doing this healing work fast enough.

• You should already have this figured out—you’re a therapist!

• If you don’t do this perfectly, what’s the point?

Classic Manager energy. At first, I tried to push her aside, convinced she was only getting in the way. But through IFS, I realized she wasn’t my enemy—she was trying to protect me.

When I finally got curious and asked her about her role, I discovered that she had been working hard since childhood to make sure I never felt not good enough. She was terrified that if I slowed down or let my guard down, I’d get hurt. And when I acknowledged her hard work instead of rejecting her, she softened.

Now, when she pipes up (which she still does—old habits die hard), I don’t push her away. I say, Hey, I see you. I know you’re trying to help, but I’ve got this. And that tiny shift—moving from frustration to compassion—has made all the difference.

How IFS Helps with Trauma Healing

If you’ve experienced trauma, you might recognize these internal dynamics. Maybe you have a part that keeps you hyper-vigilant, making sure you’re always in control. Or maybe a Firefighter part jumps in with numbing behaviors whenever old wounds start surfacing.

IFS helps by:

1. Building Self-Compassion – Instead of seeing parts as problems, you learn to appreciate why they exist and what they’ve been trying to do for you.

2. Unburdening Exiles – By approaching wounded parts with curiosity and care, you can help release the pain they’ve been carrying.

3. Creating Inner Balance – When parts feel understood, they don’t have to work so hard to protect you, leading to a greater sense of calm and integration.

One of the most profound moments in my own IFS journey was realizing that the very parts I had spent years trying to fix were the ones that had kept me going for so long. They weren’t broken. They just needed to be heard.

How to Start Using IFS in Your Own Healing

If you’re curious about IFS, here are a few ways to begin:

1. Notice Your Parts with Curiosity

The next time you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or reactive, take a breath and ask yourself: Which part of me is showing up right now? Instead of judging it, just notice it.

2. Give Your Parts a Voice

Try journaling from the perspective of one of your parts. What does it want you to know? What is it afraid of? How long has it been doing this job? You might be surprised at what you learn.

3. Practice Self-Leadership

When you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself: Can I access my Self right now? Even small moments of Self-energy—curiosity, compassion, calm—can help you respond rather than react.

4. Work with a Therapist Trained in IFS

IFS is powerful, but deep trauma work often requires support. Working with an IFS therapist can help you navigate your inner world with safety and guidance.

Final Thoughts:

Befriending Yourself is the Ultimate Healing

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from IFS—both as a therapist and as a human—it’s that healing isn’t about erasing the parts of you that feel messy or complicated. It’s about understanding them, honoring them, and helping them trust that you, as your true Self, are capable of leading the way. All parts belong.

So, the next time you hear that critical voice or feel a wave of anxiety, try this: instead of pushing it away, get curious. Ask, What do you need me to know? You might just find that the parts you once saw as obstacles are actually the key to your healing.

Want more? Reach out to us and we can get you started with a therapist asap!

Our Services:

Stark Therapy Group offers therapy for all types of eating disorders, including Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia. We offer a 3-tiered family based support for teens in eating disorder recovery. We treat anxiety, depression and general mental health conditions. We offer 3-tiered family based support for teens with general mental health issues. We also offer couples therapy. We would love to help you on your mental health journey. Reach out today for a free consultation!